Even in Death
by Frankie McStein
Summary: A few years missed opportunities, and a lifetime of heartbreaking regrets


Disclaimer- Oh look, yet again I have to admit that I don't own something.  
A/N- The lyrics in this fic are from Even in death by Evanescence. They're the bits in the *s.  
  
Even in Death  
_  
  
*Give me a reason to believe that you're gone,  
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong  
Moonlight on the soft brown earth,  
It leads me to where you lay,  
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home*  
  
_  
I loved him. It's taken me a long time to admit that. Too long. I can say it freely now, but when I should have said it, when it would have mattered, I always froze. His eyes. Yes, that's why. He would turn, and I would always look up. He would lock those fantastically bright eyes on to mine, and I would fall.  
  
Once or twice I really did stumble. His hand would always be there for me to catch on to. I love his hands. They were so graceful. Long fingers. I always remember that. Helpful for a surgeon I suppose. Long thin hands. He could have been a pianist with hands like that. But in his mind, I don't think there was ever even the remotest chance of him being anything else.  
  
A doctor. A surgeon. A life saver for so many. And not just those he operated on. He saved me for one. From myself most of all. I would never have allowed myself to feel anything about anything. I never had. Then, when I first saw him, and when I first lost myself in his eyes, I felt a jot in my heart so strong, I think I gasped. Ever since that jolt, emotions have been washing over me, and I can't stop them.  
  
  
_*I will stay forever here with you,  
My love,  
The softly spoken words you gave me,  
Even in death our love goes on*  
  
  
_I suppose another reason I never told him was I always thought there'd be time to tell him another day. Each time I tried to pluck up the courage to let him know how I felt, something would happen, and I'd turn away, comforting myself with the thought that I could always tell him tomorrow.  
  
And then one day, there were no more days. It all ended. Everything was over, including all my chances. I can't say it isn't fair. I had years of chances, I was just to cowardly to take them. And now, I'm paying the price. Now I'm living without him. Without anything more than a single picture and a handful of letters to keep my memories fresh. Without any chance of ever getting another chance to tell him how I feel.  
  
It was all I ever really thought about there. Others focused on friends, family, fear, but I always had him lurking around the back, and sometimes the front of my mind. Not that I objected. But even now, he's always there.  
  
  
_*Some say I'm crazy for my love, Oh my love,  
But no bonds can keep me from your side, Oh my love,  
They don't know you can't leave me,  
They don't hear you singing to me*  
  
_  
I wouldn't mind so much under normal circumstances. I would just keep telling myself that sometime, eventually, I would see him again. Maybe I wouldn't need to see him. A phone call, or a letter. Anything to let me know he's still alive. But, after last week, I know that's never going to happen.  
  
I should sit back, think rationally, go through what's happened and face facts. The idea always makes me laugh. How could I think rationally about never seeing the man I love again? How can I possibly accept that I will never be able to find out how he felt? There were always hints, from both of us, but neither of us ever actually said anything, serious or not. How am I supposed to live with the fact that I will never find out if I had a chance or not?  
  
I keep asking myself over and over, what if he were serious? I could have thrown away the only man I was ever willing to give my heart to. The only man ever able to steal my heart may have slipped right through my fingers, all due to my inability to say a simple handful of words. I just can't seem to stop thinking about all those missed opportunities.  
  
  
_*I will stay forever here with you,  
My love,  
The softly spoken words you gave me,  
Even in death our love goes on*  
_  
  
Now of course, I'll never know. I had actually planned my entire speech. It's sitting right here in front of me. Along with the newspaper article that announced his death, and the end of all my chances, all my emotions.  
  
Both are blurring slightly as they catch my tears, but I know that, come the morning, they will both still be perfectly readable.  
  
  
_*And I can't love you, anymore than I do*_


End file.
